


Lend me your warmth

by sparklingunicornpants



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Closeted Character, Fluff, Implied Sasha Blouse/Connie Springer, Jean is an emotional wreck, M/M, Slow Build, Underage Drinking, Verbal Abuse, dad issues, lots of sadness, mention of depression, mention of selfharm, past bullying
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-18
Updated: 2015-01-20
Packaged: 2018-02-21 14:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2471447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingunicornpants/pseuds/sparklingunicornpants
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marco has just started college, and he isn't adapting as well as he'd hoped. He doesn't have any friends other than his roommate Armin and his childhood friends. He starts to become interested by a mystery guy in his European history class, who always sits by himself. With the help of a meddling Ymir, they become friends. Marco realizes that there's something not quite right with the boy, and in the process of trying to understand him, falls in love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. you start your journey alone

So far college wasn’t what I was expecting…

I thought I would be out all the time, with my friends getting wasted, and making those moments count.

I’ve been here almost a month and the only friend I’ve made is my roommate Armin. I’m lucky to have him as my roommate. Our personalities are well matched AND we’re both majoring in psychology. He’s just a few inches shorter me, sapphire eyes and his chin length blond locks usually tied into a ponytail. The only downside is that it’s so quiet around here. Armin does have more friends than me, but only by a few. Then again, Eren and Mikasa are more like family to him. He told me a few weeks ago how Mikasa was adopted by Erens’ parents after her parents were murdered when they were 8. Their parents were good friends and when she had nowhere else to go. Armin used to live next door and spent all his time with the two. Eren is taller than Armin, but only just, his chocolate brown short-layered covers his emerald green eyes when it getstoo long. He can sometimes be a bit arrogant and annoying which gets him in trouble with others. Mikasa on the other hand is quiet but by no means shy. She’s half Japanese and her cheeks stained a light pink and when her hair shines in the sun, it radiated a warm shade of black falling just below her chin. Armin told me she’s had to protect Eren after he gets himself into trouble with his big mouth.

I’m not particularly friends with them. More like friend of a friend. I hang out with them when they come over, but that’s about it. My problem is that I’m too shy, but I’m also so intrigued by the way people work. That’s why psychology is my major. It’s not really helped me making friends though. There’s one thing though. Every Tuesday there’s this guy in my European History class that just intrigues me. He doesn’t sit next to anyone in the lecture hall, or talk to anyone for that matter. But I see him sometimes with his friends, and I never see him truly smile. I can see through his façade.

\---------

Tuesday had rolled around again and it was time for my European history lecture. I took my usual seat at the back of the class which was never at the back of the room. I placed my bag and greed Trost University hoodie on the seat beside me, and got my notepad out. The mystery guy waltzed in at his usual time wearing a loose fitting white t-shirt, black skinny jeans that looked way too tight and hugged his butt nicely and a paint splattered black hoodie.  His amber eyes quickly scanned the room before he took his normal seat.

The entire lecture I couldn’t concentrate. Every time I looked up from my notes, I found myself looking at the back of his two-toned undercut. The top was a dull shade of sandy blond and the shaved area was a mousy brown. By the time the lecture had finished I had tried to work up the courage to talk to him. Obviously I couldn’t do it. I could never talk to someone so spontaneously. What would I even say anyway…

\---

As we slowly entered October and the leaves fell from the trees and it became a lot cooler, I hadn’t processed at all. I had studied him during the short amount of time I saw him per week. I noticed that he always wore that same scowl on his face. Once he had a huge patch of red paint on his elbow and his face resembled that of a child about to throw a strop. I seriously had to stop myself from laughing out loud.

Before I know it was already the 14th of October, and I still barely had any friends. I was just too shy to talk to anyone in my classes, never mind the mystery guy. A week or so ago, Armin told me that he became friends with a girl called Christa, and he keeps going on about how he wants to introduce me to her. I wasn’t particularly keen on it at first, due to the fact that I wanted to be able to do it on my own. Seeing as that wasn’t working out, I agreed. He kept going on about how much we’d get on and how kind she is He told me that Her and her girlfriend Ymir, were having a party to celebrate their 2 and a half year anniversary on Saturday. Armin said that I Christa had invited me and that I was more than welcome. She wanted to take this chance to meet me and meet other people I could get on with. I hadn’t met her yet and she was already giving me something to look forward to.

\-----

Saturday rolled around pretty quickly and I was starting to feel my nerves hit. I didn’t know how to act towards them, what to expect, hell I didn’t even know whether I should get them a gift or not. I wasn’t sure if this was a casual thing or if they wanted us to look fancier, so I whined for Armin to come help me decide. We ended up settling on a pair of dark blue denim skinny jeans, a red and blue plaid shirt and a dull blue sweater. After picking out my outfit I quickly jumped in the shower for a good scrub. I swiftly got dressed and styled my hair. My hair was the kind of style where I could do several things with. I decided to add a little wax so it wouldn’t droop on my face as much and stick to my freckled face. Upon closer inspection I noticed that my summer tan was fading quickly, as I was unable to see my tan lines anymore. It was kind of funny how despite being half Italian I was still fairly pale once my tan faded. Once I decided that I was ready I waited for Armin to finish up. We were going to walk the as it was just around the corner.

“So do they live in their own apartment?” I Inquired.

“Nah, they share a house with another couple. They’ve known Bert and Reiner since middle school so it just seemed logical.”

“Will there be a lot of people?” I started subconsciously twiddling my thumbs from nerves.

“I doubt it. Christa is friendly but I think Ymir is picky about the company she has. I’ve only met her twice but Christa tells me enough about her.” This information made me more nervous as I was scared of accidently upsetting Ymir.

“Stop looking so terrified. You’ll be fine, they’ll love you. Who wouldn’t?”

\----

As we approached the house I could start to hear the music playing from the establishment. Armin rang the doorbell and no more than 3 seconds later the door swung open. A petite blond girl lunged herself at Armin and hurried us inside. Her hair fell just below her shoulders and her eyes were the most incredible shade of blue. Her figure was amazing, slender arms and legs, and hips that could kill. She had the perfect hourglass shape.

“You must be Marco? I’m Christa, Armin here has told me a lot about you.”

“It’s ehh, nice to meet you” I offered with a smile.

She walked us around the house trying to find Ymir and once she found her, she lunged at her Girlfriend smothering her in kisses. Once she spotted me she instantly took a liking to me. She had her face covered in freckles too, which in her book makes us twins and automatic friends. She kept going on about wanting to see if we had freckle telepathy. Ymir was more around my height and had Christa only coming up to her shoulders, she used this to her advantage though as she seems to use her head as a headrest as she hugged her shoulders. She had her mahogany hair tied into a high ponytail where a lot of her hair seemed to start falling out.

“The main party in down here, but we have people doing weed downstairs if you’re into that. Oh and probably best not to go upstairs.... Our residential boyfriends have a habit of fucking at social events.” Ymir explained.

I just nodded and went to go grab a drink and a slice of Pizza. After a few minutes Ymir had found me again, and stared asking me all sorts of questions.

“Soooooo then Polo, who’d you like? Boys? Girls? Both? All?” I blushed at the sudden question.

“I-I... pan” was all I could get out.

“You like pans, hey I think I know of one I think you’d like!”

“N-no I mean I’m pansexual”

“I know, I’m just fucking with you” She grinned. She kept asking me about my love life until I was finally able to doge the topic. I didn’t want anyone to know of my lack of experience. She started rambling on about our subjects and what we were majoring in.

“You take European History? My bud Jean takes it too. I’ll go get him” Before I could even stop her, she was already gone. Weaving through the small crowd from the kitchen to the living room until I couldn’t see her anymore.  She finally resurfaced again after about ten minutes dragging a tall slender man behind her.

“This is Jean Kirstein. Jean, this is Marco......”

“Bodt” I added

“Right, Marco Bodt. You seem to be in the same European History class.” Ymir glared at us both wiggling her eyebrows.

He was wearing his usual paint splattered hoodie with light blue button up shirt; the top two buttons not done up. Ymir just kept glaring at us as we struggled to find what to say.

“Fine, I can tell when threes a crowd. I’ll leave. But if I see Jean dragging you upstairs, there will be hell. YOU HEAR ME JEAN?” He turned bright red with embarrassment as did I.

“Oh my God, that was one fucking time Ymir. She was the one who fucking suggested it.” He cried after Ymir as she slipped off.

“Sorry about that... I kind of had a thing with some girl at the first party and she won’t let me live it down.” He exclaimed as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You seem close”

“Yeah. We used to go to the same elementary school, but my family ended up moving away. Our parents used to be good friends, but after they found out about Ymir and Christa they wouldn’t let me talk to her anymore. It was a nice surprise to see her again.” He explained.

We fell into a comfortable conversation about anything and everything. It was almost as if we’d known each other for years. As time progressed we’d noticed that it was getting slightly too crowded in the kitchen. We decided to head into the backyard where it was significantly less crowded. Jean took it upon himself to grab some beer on his way out as well. I had only ever had been drunk once, and that was at my cousins 21st, so the thought of repeating that was terrifying. I didn’t want to embarrass myself in front of Jean who I’d only known for a couple of hours. We sat on the garden furniture on the grass as we faced the back door out of the kitchen. The sun had gone down by this time and it was slightly chilly. All of a sudden Jean flinched in his seat and got up.

“I’ll be right back, I have a great idea!” He said enthusiastically as he wondered back into the kitchen.

A minute or two later he came out with two shot glasses and a half empty bottle of what I presume is vodka. He placed them on the table and sat back down, this time facing his chair towards me.

“So, seeing as we don’t know each other too well, I thought we could maybe play ‘Never have I ever’ and seeing as it wouldn’t be fun staying sober throughout this will do nicely. So if you have, you drink the shot. Simple right?”

“Okay, I’ve not really done this before though.”

“There’s a first for everything.” He states as he pours the clear liquid into the glasses.

“We’ll start off simple. Never have I ever asked someone out.” I drank the liquid in my glass, as it burned the back of my throat.

“Errrm..... Never have I ever, not called someone after a date” He gave me a smirk as he too poured the liquid into his mouth.

This continued for a while until I realized that the questions had gotten more intimate and that we were not as sober as we had been earlier in the night. So when it was Jean’s turn to ask, I’d gotten slightly worried.

“N-never have I eveeeer given a blowjob.” I stared at him blankly, then staring at my drink and gulping it down quickly. Jean just stared at me with a blank expression.

“Duuuuuuude, seriously? What was it like? Did you choke?” I could feel my face heating up as he wouldn’t break eye contact with me.

“I don’t really know, it was only that one time. He didn’t dump me until a month later, so I’m hoping it wasn’t bad. Frankly I don’t remember but I do remember I did gag a few times.” Jean was still staring at me. He then took away our glasses and replaced them with the beer be brought out with us.

“You?” I still didn’t know if he was straight or not, he hadn’t really stated, due to the fact that my questions weren’t as graphic as his.

“Fuck  no! I’m as straight as fuck. As I briefly mentioned earlier, my parents aren’t as excepting as others, so even if I were, I’m pretty sure I’d be kicked out on my ass!”

We slipped back into a somewhat normal conversation as we finished our beers. By the time we were done, it had gone midnight. We headed back inside to find that most people had gone home. Jean needed help to walk back inside, otherwise he’s be crawling on the floor. Christa had found us and had an amused look on her face when she saw the state of Jean.

“We might have a Problem....” She stated as she looked at me.

“Why?”

“Jean lives a fifteen minute drive away, and he clearly can’t drive, and we have no room here to let his crash here.” She stated as I shifted to get a better hold on Jean, as he was starting to slip out of my grip.

“I guess he could stay at mine, as long as he’s okay with sharing a bed. Is that okay Jean?” He lifted his head slowly and grunted quietly as his response. Christa and I giggled as we walked towards the front door. We found Armin and said our goodbyes as we started walking. When we got back to our apartment, Armin headed into his room, as I helped Jean into mine. I took off his hoodie and shoes and tucked him in. I slipped out of my shirt and shoes, I pulled on a t-shirt and lay my head next to his feet as I slowly fell asleep to the thought of the awesome people I’d met today.


	2. My friend Jean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco and Jean get to know each other and Marco makes some discoveries

I woke up all groggy and my mouth tasted vile. The sun was only just starting to rise and the light was still blocked by the think curtains covering my windows. I consider getting up, when there’s movement in my bed. I all of a sudden remembered the events from the previous night, and how I had let Jean stay as he was too wasted to drive home. I decided to get up and head to the bathroom. The bright light burned my still sensitive eyes as I relieved my bladder. I then waddled over to the small kitchen we have, and got out two glasses and filled them with water. I put some ice cubes in Jean’s glass due to me not knowing how long he’d be asleep for. I hate it when fresh water gets too warm after long exposure to room temperature (quite frankly it’s gross), so I thought this would preserve it. I walked back into my room and set his glass on the bedside table as I took a sip from mine and placed it on the floor, next to my side of the bed. I sat back on the bed, shooting a look in Jean’s direction. His milky skin seemed so bright from the lack of light. The longer part of his hair, was a total mess and he had so many cow licks in his hair you couldn’t count them even if you tried. He had his arm hanging off the bed and upon closer inspection; he was drooling a bit too. He looked content. I carefully lifted his feet and placed them on my lap as I sat at the back of my bed. I watched him sleep peacefully as I fell asleep again.  
By the time I woke up again, the sun had completely risen. I had fallen on my side, and was lying in my bed under the covers. As I became more conscious of the situation, I realized that Jean had an arm over my torso, our legs were intertwined and his head was practically resting on my chest. I flinched in realization, which consequently woke him up. Jean wriggled slightly and stretched his limbs, making them stiffen on me as he woke himself up. He lifted his head to look at me, and we made eye contact.  
“Mornin” He yawned as his head fell back on the edge of my chest.  
“Sorry, but you looked really uncomfortable sat up; AND you were shivering so I kind of tried to warm you up.” At least I hadn’t moved myself into this position!  
“Yeah, thanks” I could feel my face heating up, as he shifted in the bed again.  
He drank what was left of his drink, which wasn’t a lot, so he must’ve had some when he moved me. He sat up and briefly glanced at me.  
“Sorry about last night. I get really inappropriate when I’m drunk and I asked you some weird stuff. I’m really sorry.” He scratched the back of his head nervously.  
“It’s okay. You don’t need to worry about it.” I felt really guilty for thinking that he looked really cute being all shy and embarrassed.  
“I’m fucking starving! What time is it?”  
“It’s just gone twelve”  
“Do you want to go get some food? I know this fucking awesome coffee place, and it does amazing Ciabatta things.” Jean was clearly not the most articulate person I’ve ever met, and it was really endearing too.  
“Yeah, sure. Do you want to go home and change first?”  
“That might be a good idea actually. I really hate this shirt, but it’s the only thing I own that doesn’t make me look like a hobo.” This statement made me giggle a bit.  
“Shush you. You don’t look like a hobo. I’ll go wash up and get changed and then we’ll head to yours.” I finally got up and walked towards my dresser where I grabbed some clothes and headed to the bathroom. I could still taste the alcohol and you could probably still smell it too. Once I entered the bathroom I noticed Armin left a note on the mirror saying he was out with Eren and Mikasa. Armin always leaves them in our bathroom, because he knows this is the only place where I would definitely see them. I clean up and then put on my clean clothes. I had grabbed a lavender sweater and a pair of grey chinos out from my dresser. I also put some dry shampoo in my hair as it was a bit dirty. I walked out of our tiny bathroom, and let Jean know that I was ready to go. We slipped on our shoes and we were on our way. As we took our first step outside, the crisp October air hit us with quite a surprise. We walked in comfortable silence back to Ymir’s to pick up Jean’s car. By the time we got to his car, we were frozen solid. Even though it was only October it was pretty cold; and it didn’t help that I wasn’t wearing a coat and Jean was only wearing a very thin one. Jean unlocked his little red Fiat and we quickly got inside and got the car running, so we could heat up. As he pulled away from the curb, he started to look a bit nervous.  
“Look, when we get back to mine.... my roommate might still be a bit drunk or high so.....don’t take him so seriously”  
“Why? Is he as bad as you?” This earned me a little shove from the blonde.  
“He’s just got a really big mouth. He’ll bring up shit about me that I don’t want him to.”  
The Car fell into uncomfortable silence. I was kind of intrigued as to what kind of things his roommate would bring up that could possibly make Jean this uncomfortable.  
As we came up towards his complex, he looked out for a parking space. Once parked, we exited the car and walked towards the entrance of the building. When we arrived at Jean’s door, he briefly paused as he clearly took a deep breath, as he slid the keys into the door as it began to open. Jean peaked his head through before entering and letting me enter. Just as he threw his keys on the kitchen worktop, His apparent roommate crept out of his room.  
“And what time do you call this, Kirstein?”  
“Fuck off Connie”  
“NO, I was left at Ymir’s last night and me and Sasha had to walk all the way back whilst high as balls AND fucking wasted.”  
“It’s not my fault”  
“You said you’d be the designated driver.”  
“Something came up”  
“What?”  
“Marco this is Connie, my crazy roommate”  
“Hey, I’m not the crazy one that gets laid thirty minutes into the first party of the year.”  
“Are you jealous? You wish you could pull those moves on Sasha?” Jean smirked.  
“Watch it Jean, I can spill all those secretes you have.” The other man stated. Jean huffed in unwanted defeat before storming into his room, as he shouted that he was going to get changed. Now that Jean had left the room, I got the chance to get a closer look at Connie. He was definitely shorter than me and Jean, and his hair was so short he could have looked bald, if it weren’t for the dull brown shade that his hair was. His head was quite round and he looked like he was in good shape.  
“Soooooo, why’d he send the night at yours?” Connie asked, wiggling his brows.  
“He was too drunk.” I stated, although I could feel my cheeks burning up.  
“Suuure. No doing the do in-between?”  
“Oh god no! Jean stated he wasn’t into guys.”  
“So you tried it on with him?”  
“No-no-no I didn’t... it was just.....”  
“It’s fine, I’m kidding. He actually seems a lot happier than usual today, surprisingly enough. He can be grumpier than this, believe it or not.” Connie stated as he wondered back towards his room, when Jean resurfaced in clean clothes. He was wearing a black and white pattered Jersey sweater, with some dark blue skinny jeans and a warmer coat. Jean grabbed his keys back off the counter before shouting at Connie.  
“Getting breakfast!”  
“Bring some back!”  
“You know I won’t Springer.” Was the last thing he said before we were on the other side of the door. We made our way down the halls and through the front entrance.  
“He didn’t say anything did he?”  
“No. He only asked why you were at mine”  
“I’ll believe that.”  
We walked back towards Jean’s car, and I asked him questions about his roommate. During the time it took for us to get to the coffee shop, I learned that Connie is nineteen, bisexual and apparently says he’s single, but Jean is convinced he’s got a thing for his best friend Sasha. He claims they’re practically never alone in their free time and that she was probably in his room today. He told me that they both have a thing for eating everything in sight, as long as it was vegetarian, for Sasha’s benefit. They were at the party yesterday too, but they were downstairs as usual doing their usual thing.  
When we finally made it to the coffee shop, Jean ordered a black coffee and a mozzarella and pesto Ciabatta, where as I ordered a Caramel Chocolate and triple chocolate muffin. We took a seat in the back of the place. We started talking about school, where I learned that his major is Art and tends to take more creative subjects than me. We then got onto more personal things, like family. I told Jean I have two sisters, one is seven and the other thirteen and that my parents got divorced and that we still spend a lot of time together as a family despite the separation. Jean told me that he only has an older sister who’s twenty-five and lives in Germany, where most of their family is based. He briefly stated that his parents are also well off and insist on him moving to Germany when he’s finished his studies.  
“So where ‘bouts in Germany are your Family from?”  
“Originally in Soest, but my Dad wanted to live in a bigger city for his business and he moved to Dortmund. He actually only ended up living there for a year because he met my Mom in France and they moved to America. Most of my family still lives in Soest except for my sister and her boyfriend. They live in Dortmund, just because it’s so much bigger than Soest. We go back every year for my Dad’s birthday and, you wouldn’t believe how small it is!”  
“Did they teach you any French or German?” I was genuinely curious if Jean was multilingual.  
“Yeah, my Dad only ever spoke to me in German till I was five. They never really taught me any French. I’ve only been to France once anyway. I think it was for my sixth birthday, so I don’t remember much.”  
“Can you say anything in German for me?”  
“Du hast sehr viele Sommersprossen Marco.”  
“And what does that mean?”  
“I said, you have a lot of freckles, Marco.”  
“That’s so cool! I wish I knew another Language. Do you think you will move to Germany after college?”  
“I seriously doubt it! I’m not a huge fan of my family, other than my sister and Soest isn’t exactly the most welcoming place to live.”  
“Why?”  
“I don’t know. They just stare a lot if you’re different. I remember when I was thirteen; I was going through my emo phase and the amount of stares I got was really unsettling.”  
“Oh.”  
“I also remember, my sister wasn’t as slim as she was now, and whenever she wore shorts, she would always hide in-between me and my mum. She could’ve just worn jeans, but it was always summer when we went and it was always high twenties, low thirties. I mean damn it, you should be able to wear shorts if you fucking want to, without being stared at like you’ve got your genitals hanging out your pants!”  
Jean’s words left me speechless. I didn’t know what was okay for me to say next.  
“How about High school?” Jean asked with a slight smirk.  
“High school was okay, I guess. I came out in my first year; I had a few great friends. Mina I think was my best friend! Well, actually she was my girlfriend, but I still considered her my best friend. She stood by me when I got bullied and she helped me forget all the bad things people were saying. I still miss her sometimes.”  
“What happened with her?”  
“Well, things got a little too complicated and we didn’t want to jeopardise our friendship. I would still be friends with her if I wasn’t a dumb shit.”  
“Oh dude, what did you do?”  
“Mina never told me she had an older brother. Their parents were separated and he lived with their dad. But he came back this past July, and Mina held a party before we went off to college, and...”  
“Marcooo, what did you do?”  
“Remember, you asked me if I’d ever sucked dick before....”  
“You fucked both siblings?!” Jean quietly shouted.  
“Yeah. Her brother Mike found out who I was and ended up telling her. She still hasn’t forgiven me for it.”  
“Fucking hell, you’ve got game!” I blushed at his comment. My drink now empty, Jean got up and disappeared for a few minutes till he returned with new beverages. Jean sat back down, taking a huge gulp of his coffee.  
“My high school experience wasn’t as pleasant as yours; believe it or not. My sister Jana is the only one in my family who actually listens to me and cares about me. When I started High school, she’d just met her boyfriend and decided they wanted to move to Germany. My parents never showed an interest in my grades or even me. I wasn’t exactly unpopular at my school, but I never did like anyone there. I don’t think there was ever a point where I was happy.”  
“You’ve got Ymir back now! And you’ve got Connie now too and maybe me if that’s okay.” I didn’t know if I was classed a friend  
“If you’re trying to ask if we’re friends you’re clearly dumber than I thought. I wouldn’t tell someone these things if I didn’t want anything to do with them.” This made us erupt into laughter and we continued to chat for another hour or so. Jean told me that he didn’t appreciate my taste in music, as I tend to listen to pop and he likes mostly rock. He also laughed when he found out I like romantic comedies whereas he likes thrillers and horror movies best. We seemed like total opposites but yet we still enjoyed each other’s company. Once it turned three, we finally made a move and left the cafe. We quickly exchanged numbers before he gave me a lift back to mine. When we parted ways, I told him I was going to get him to watch a romance film at one point and he told me he was going to make me sit through a horror. We said our goodbyes and he drove off.

 

\-------

 

I had spent the rest of that Sunday writing essays and preparing for the next lectures, which became increasingly hard, due to Jean texting me about how much Connie was bugging him and how much he knows him and Sasha are secretly making out in the next room. The next week went on like this and Tuesdays became my favourite day. I ended up having to let Jean copy my notes as he kept nodding off during the lecture. I also finally met Sasha that week too. She was really pretty, had curves that even made me jealous. She had long reddish-chestnut hair that she tied into a ponytail. The first time I met her she had her hair down and she was in one of Connie’s shirts and just her underwear. I could really see why Jean kept insisting that they had a thing for each other. Jean and I kept trying to guess when they would finally just make it official. Jean bet they wouldn’t last till Christmas. That week I spent more time at Jean’s than at mine. I noticed that Jean rarely let me in his room; and if he did, he’d have to have been inside first. I was getting the feeling he was hiding something. However we’d only just become friends and I didn’t want to pry.

 

\-------

 

And so it was the week leading up to Halloween, and I had purposely done all my assignments prior to this week, to leave me with plenty of free time. For Saturday, I asked Jean to come to mine and we could watch some movies. Armin had plans on going to Eren and Mikasa’s for the weekend so I told Jean he could stay over if he wanted to. This made him think it was an invitation for alcohol, which I politely told him I would shove it up his ass if he were to bring any. It was so strange that we’d only known each other for a week, and yet I already felt comfortable around him. It had just gone nine o’clock when there was a knock on the door. I opened the door giving him a questionable look. I stepped aside for him to enter as he came in with his hands high in the air, showing that he only brought a DVD and no alcohol.  
“You’re such a killjoy y’know.”  
“Good. I don’t want you to get drunk, and security to find out and get us both in trouble.”  
“Fine!”  
“What movie did you bring?”  
“A spoopy one”  
“Oh god. Well then you’re going to have to watch one of my movies”  
“Okay, but we’ll watch mine last; otherwise it ruins the atmosphere. What’s your movie?”  
I cocked a grin as I answered “Pitch Perfect”  
“Fuck!”  
“Exactly! Alright we have two options. We either watch them in the lounge or in my room, where we won’t have to move after.”  
“I don’t really feel like having to do unnecessary movement. Your room it is”  
We walked into my room and I moved my bedside table in front of the centre of my bed. I then started to set up my laptop and I put in the disc.  
“By the way, which movie did you bring?”  
“Oculus. Karen Gillan is super hot!”  
“Okaaaay then”  
I just left Jean to drool at the thought of her as I pressed play. We got under the covers and got warm as the movie played on. At first Jean pretended he didn’t enjoy it with a few scowls. When we got towards the end of the intro Jean couldn’t help himself.  
“Well, that’s Mother fucking disgusting! That’s not just her fucking lunch on the 3rd row; that’s a Weeks’ worth of food, you shit!”  
I seriously couldn’t help but giggle at his little comments here and there and how he called Benji a nerd; which earned him a hard elbow in the side. I could tell Jean liked the main character though. She was just a miserable seeming as him. As the film progressed I could see out of the corner of my eye, that Jean was miming along to the songs. He also kept pointing out the character in the Treble’s that looked like him. He was so adorable when he finally gave in and started singing with me. After the movie finished, he still denied how much he liked it.  
“Now it’s time for my Film!”  
“But it’s already late. It’ll scare me so I won’t sleep.”  
“Good! If you get to scared, I’ll comfort you.”  
“I don’t appreciate sarcasm, Jean!”  
“Maybe I wasn’t being sarcastic. You’ll never know, if you don’t put the movie on.”  
I never understood the point of flirting if there is no meaning. Jean was good at it though. If I didn’t know he was straight, I would’ve thought he was trying it on with me. I gave in though and put in his Movie. The cover of the DVD already gave me the creeps. As it started to play, I became very tense. I don’t do Scary films for a reason! When she stepped into the backroom with the mirror, I subconsciously clung to Jean, but then I started to relax, at the scene change. I had completely curled into a ball, and I was almost completely under the covers and I had shuffled right against Jean.  
“You scared or something?” He looked with a slight smirk and an eyebrow raised.  
“..No....” I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.  
As it progressed I grew more paranoid of possible jumpscares. On a few occasions I grabbed onto Jean and hid my face against his shoulder. Eventually, he raised his arm and pulled me towards him. I felt my heart beat faster, each time he pulled me momentarily closer. I felt my face heating up, and I was probably bright red at this point.  
When the film finished, Jean closed my laptop with his foot, never letting go of me. He started to shuffle us along the bed and lie us down. We lay next to each other and Jean rest his head on mine. Suddenly his breathing hitched and I could feel something wet on my head.  
He was crying.  
Instead of asking what had brought this on, I just rubbed small circled on his back as we intertwined our legs.

 

\-----

 

We never spoke of what happened that night. We acted like it never happened. Like Jean didn’t cry himself to sleep. Jean let me know that Ymir was throwing a Halloween party of Friday and that she told him to tell me I was invited.  
As planned we spent all week lazing around, watching movies and playing games. We rarely ever left my apartment. We had practically kicked Armin out, because we never even moved off the sofa. We had planned on going to the party as Jack Skellington, and Jean really wanted to go as a Treble. Jean came over to help me with my face paint.  
We arrived at Ymirs at 9:30 and it was already in full swing. We went straight into the kitchen to get some drinks, as Jean was staying over again.  
“Yo freckles!” Ymir called.  
“I don’t you’ve met our other residents yet.”  
“No, I actually haven’t” Ymir grabbed my hand and dragged me into their living room. She stopped in front of two guys sitting of a sofa. One had a big build, strong bone structure, sharp blue eyes and icy blond hair. He had his legs spread across a taller guy with a longer face, slightly tanned skin and messy brown hair.  
“This is Reiner” She pointed to the blond.  
“This is Bertholt, and guys this is Marco” Reiner just gave me a nod, whereas Bertholt shot me a friendly smile. Jean finally caught up and sat on the sofa farthest from the two. Ymir got called away and I was practically forced to join them.  
“So, Ymir’s told me a lot about you. She said Jean doesn’t shut up about you.”  
“All good things I hope.”  
“Well, you’ve been called freckled Jesus a few times. Is that good to you?”  
“Psh, yeah. So you think I’m freckled Jesus?” I grinned at Jean. He tried to avoid eye contact, but I could still see he was blushing. I couldn’t help but tickle him. Over the past few weeks, I’ve learned that he’s ticklish on his sides.  
“OH MY FUCKING GOD MARCO STOP! I SWEAR TO GOD I’LL MAKE YOU WATCH ANNABELLE!” He wriggled until I stopped. He talked to Reiner and Bert for most of the night and got their numbers too. I asked when they got together. Bert already knew Christa so they moved there a few weeks before school started. That’s when he met Reiner. He lived locally but they clicked straight away. He agreed to move in with them, as it would make it easier financially. Jean got up to get us more drinks. I waved at Armin and we talked for a while before I heard something in the kitchen. I could hear Jean shouting to I got up to investigate. When I walked in I saw Jean shouting at Eren and about to punch him in the face.  
“I SWEAR TO GOD YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Jean yelled before lifting his fist.  
“JEAN, STOP!” I leapt in front of him, hands up in order to stop him from hitting him.  
“YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT THIS SHIT SAID!” I dragged Jean away from Eren. He put up a fight but it became easier. I opened to door underneath the stairs and pushed him inside. I followed shortly and closed the door behind me.  
“Jean what was that about?” I asked tentively.  
“He....he said no one loves me.”  
“That’s not true and you know it.” Jean lowered his head. His shoulders were shaking. I hugged him, pulling him closer.  
“Shhh, it’s okay.” I ran my fingers through his hair. My heart was pounding. My blood rushing to my face. My stomach tingling. And that’s when I realized.  
I like my best friend Jean.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually lived in Soest for a long time, so I can verify that's exactly what it's like there. I'm not even making it up. I'm sure it's not like that everywhere. So don't be put off Germany. It took me A LONG time to write this. I've had a lot of school work piling up. I was going to make the time line longer, but I ended up changing what would happen a bit.  
> (kind of making it up as I go a long)  
> my tumblr~ www.sparklingunicornpants.tumblr.com  
> Feedback would be lovely!
> 
> P.S.  
> next chapter will be quite sad and we'll see how emotional these dumb boys are


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco struggles with his feelings as they open up about some of their past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be ready for some sad and soppy moments :(

Looking back now, I can’t believe how blind I was. How did I not realize the reason for me always being so flustered? Here I am, lying next to my friend; maybe even best friend and all I want to do is turn over and wrap my arms around him. I want to hold him close, and listen to him talk for hours. I can’t even remember when we left Ymir’s. But it’s not surprising that, once the moment passed, we didn’t speak about it. 

I glance over at my bedside table to look at the time. It’s just gone nine. I rub the sleep away from my eyes and get up. If I stay next to him any longer I might go crazy. I climb out of bed and change out of the clothes I left on from last night. I opt for grey sweatpants and a cobalt blue t-shirt. I waddle into our little living room and fall back onto the sofa. My mind’s going crazy, thinking about Jean. Thinking about when we first met properly and all those embarrassing things I said..... WAIT.... Shit, I don’t even have a chance. He’s straight. I know I can’t feel like this. I have to push the thoughts out of my mind. The thought of him smiling.His scent all over my sheets, and my whole room. His arms wrapped around me, holding me tight as I feel my shoulder dampen. NO MARCO! Stop doing this to yourself! The more you think about it, the worse you’re making it for yourself. I curl up into a ball on the sofa and lay down. I close my eyes so I can get some more sleep. But it’s like when someone tells you not to think about something and you can’t help but think about it. I just keep thinking about his dumb face. I eventually fall asleep again; thank god!

I can never remember much about my dreams but this one I’ll remember forever. Jean and I are sitting on my bad watching a movie. We’re so close that I can feel his body heat. It gets to the point where we’re not even paying attention to the film anymore. We’re just looking at each other. Our heads are moving closer, ever so slowly until I close my eyes and feel something warm and wet on my lips.

I jolt awake and look around me, trying to figure out what I just dreamt. Jean is sitting in front of me on the floor. He’s arching one of his eyebrows and grinning like an idiot. An adorable idiot.

“Morning sleeping freckle.” He states.  
“What time even is it?” I ask sleepily.  
“Just gone one. Why are you sleeping out here? I swear you got into bed last night.” His face changes into what I can only describe as confusion and worry. He was worried.  
“Just got up for the toilet and sort of fell asleep here I guess.” I have to hide my motive. I just hope he doesn’t figure out I’m lying. I’m a terrible liar.  
“O-oh okay then, I guess...” His sentence doesn’t get an ending. He avoids eye contact and rubs the back of his neck and runs his hand through is hair. It’s quite unruly when he’s just woken up.

“I was worried I made you feel uncomfortable” He avoids making eye contact with me and stands up again. He warily walks over to the bathroom and looks at me before he closes the door.  
I let go of a breath I didn’t realize I was holding and rub my hands over my face and through my hair. I can’t show what I’m feeling. It started this quickly and it can go away just as quickly. I just have to force it away. He’s straight, and I have to respect that. Whatever you’re feeling won’t end well and you know it can’t happen.  
I always hate that when you have a crush on someone, no matter if you know they’ll never feel the same way, there’s always hope. That little amount of hope will always eat away the certainty of getting over it. That’s always how it’s been. Like in High school when I had a crush on the smartest boy in my grade and I knew he wasn’t gay or bi or anything that could make it happen. But there was always that little spark of hope that maybe he is and he’s just not out yet, or when he got a Girlfriend, maybe she knows and she’s just a cover up and I ended up getting hurt. No not this time. I will not let this ruin us. The friendship I craved. The closeness I needed in High school but didn’t have when my world crashed. I will not let it get in the way.  
\---

It’s no surprise to me that Jean didn’t bring up what happened on Saturday again. Even when he went home he didn’t even send me a text. I didn’t talk to Jean on Monday either. He was still acting weird. I spent all of Monday with Armin instead. 

But it’s Tuesday today. I have to see him and he has to face me. There’s clearly something going on with him. When I walk into the lecture hall, He’s not there. I take my usual seat, and wait for him. It’s only a minute before class starts when he walks in. He’s out of breath and drops down next to me.

“I slept through my Alarm again!” He states.  
“Class starts at two, what time did you fricking wake up?!”  
“Like half an hour ago. Connie took my car too, so I had to fucking sprint my ass down here.” His breathing calms down as he gets out his note book.  
Our professor walks in and begins the lecture.  
I’m not going to lie, but I find it hard to concentrate. For most of the lecture I’m not even listening. Every now and again, I look over at Jean and he’s doodling or falling asleep.  
I take out a post-it and scribble something and pass it to him.  
‘Don’t fall asleep!!!!!’  
He takes another post-it and passes the scribble back to me.  
‘Only if you stop staring at me’  
‘I’m not staring at you’  
‘You so are you fucking dork. Miss me that much yesterday? ’  
I try not to giggle to loud. Our professor, Mr. Ravaille, had already gives us a few glares.  
‘I obviously missed the constant scowling’  
I keep stopping myself from putting a heart on them, or adding a simple X at the end. I know I’m being selfish but the way he smiled makes me want to hug him, hold his hand, even kiss him. Oh god how I want to kiss him. I can feel myself falling deeper every time he looks at me. Every time he smiles because of me. I’m trying so hard to stop. To think about how grossed out he’d be if he knew why I look at him all the time. Or what happens in my dreams. Even I’m disgusted with how dirty my dreams can be. I don’t think I could even share them in my inner monologue. 

After class we pack up our thinks and head out to get some food. Considering the fact that Jean hadn’t eaten yet and I’d had breakfast hours ago, we headed back to Jean’s. He has a much bigger kitchen and he always has to keep it stocked because of greedy and greedier.  
We get back to his and stick some mozzarella sticks in their mini oven. After they’re done we sit on the couch and talk about minor things. There’s only one thing on my mind.  
“You want o talk more about you’re Highschool? I don’t want to stick my nose in where it’s not wanted.” Jean frowns and looks back at his plate in his lap.  
“Sure, I-ugh-guess.” He tugs at his sweater’s sleeves and covers his hands.  
“Well, it was actually alright for the first year. I mean, I didn’t have too many friends but I was coping. I had really low self esteem and my Dad’s always treated me like shit my whole life, so that’s the mentality I’ve always had. That’s what I’ve always believed I was worth. In second year it got worse. So much worse” I could see tears forming in his eyes, but before they had a chance to escape, he wiped them away.  
“I remember I went to a lot of parties that I probably shouldn’t have. I ended up hooking up with so many girls. I was such an ass. I didn’t want to, but in my head I felt like it proved to my dad that I wasn’t what he thought I was y’know. The more I did it the worse I felt. My mom always tried to make me feel better. Always trying to get me to talk when my dad wasn’t there, and I always pushed her away.”  
My mouth was dry and I feel like my heart stopped.  
“Tell me ‘bout you then. I don’t want to be the only one sharing.”  
“Not much to tell really. It was quite simple. I wasn’t straight, so they bullied me. It’s definitely made me tougher and okay with openly being who I am. But having people say that your sexuality isn’t real and that you’re just trying to give your family hope, and covering the fact that you’re only into guys is hard. Of course it is I remember I’d have fag written on my locker every week. I’d get shoved just because of my sexuality. I think as long as you have supportive friends and family, you can just ignore the people that judge you on the only thing they know about you.”  
I look over at Jean and his tears are streaming down his face. He looks so broken, so sad and so desperate. For what I don’t know.Maybe to be comfortable with being who he is and his dad accepting him.He’s only mentioned his dad twice or so but he clearly doesn’t want to talk about him  
He wipes the tears away again, and drops his hands back down. Without thinking I reach my hand over. I stop myself before taking his hand. But before I could move it away, he takes it and holds on so incredibly tight. My chest tightens so hard when I realize how close we’ve become over the past month. He slowly lowers his head to my shoulder and rubs my hand with his thumb delicately.  
I hear him trying to steady his breath before he attempts to speak.  
“I think we needed our friendship back then. I think it would have made it easier.”  
That’s right, friends, that’s what we were. Him holding my hand meant nothing. It was platonic. That’s all he wants from me. A friend he can confide in and hold him when he needs it. And here I am trying to stop myself from kissing him. Because all I want is to kiss the past away, the pain and whatever makes him so emotional. I want to kiss him so hard, he’s gasping for air and he can’t remember what upset him in the first place. Instead I stay put, and just hold his hand.  
\----

It went on like this for a few weeks. We talk about anything and everything. He tells me more about his sister Jana and his mother. He tells me that his mother loves him unconditionally and his sister Jana, only visits around Christmas and Easter. He says how much he misses her. She’s the only one in his family he can open up to and know he won’t be judged. He was heartbroken when she said that she was moving to Germany with her boyfriend. he still finds it hard to talk about his past and his family. I try to encourage him but don’t push it when I feel him hesitating. Instead I shift the focus off him and tell him about my family. I tell him about Lily and Melanie. Lily has just started school, and is a proper tough girl. She’s a real flower girl. Lily loves nature and everything it comes with. Melanie on the other hand, has only just become a teenager, and is already being stroppy with us. I tell him that she reminds me a bit of Jean. I hope she won’t have as much to deal with as Jean seemingly does. Then I get to my Parents divorce. I was only eleven when it happened, but I remember it was a few months after Lily was born. My dad just couldn’t cope with having three kids. His temper got a lot worse and it really affected me. I’m so happy that it never really affected Mel. She’s always been kind of distant, but I really want that to change. It wasn’t a bad separation at all. In fact we were all a lot happier when it was over. My dad still comes over a lot and spends time with my sisters as much as he can. He has called me a few times, checking up on me. The only flaw in our family is that my mum is the only one who knows about me sexuality. I’ve always been really open about it, and I think she realized that I do have a preference with genders as well. I remember before College, she’d point out boys who she thought were cute and tell me to talk to them.  
\-----

After our class on Tuesday, we decide to go back to Jean’s to do some studying. He needed to do some sketching for his project and i had some more psychology work to do. Connie had classes all day, so we were not going to be interrupted by the bald beast. I sit on the floor spreading my text books across the table, and Jean sits on the couch using his knees to lean against. We’re about an hour into studying until I notice he keeps glancing at me.  
“Why do you keep looking at me?” I can feels my face burning up. I’m getting increasingly self conscious.  
“Don’t you fucking dare move! If you do I’ll have to start again and you’ll end up dead in some ditch.”  
“Are you drawing me or something?”  
“I said don’t move. Get back to studying!”  
I surrender and go back to ‘studying’ even though I just keep looking at Jean. It’s so obvious he’s drawing me. He even sticks his tongue out a bit when he’s concentrating hard.  
I just imagine what it would be like if I....  
Stop Marco! Don’t do this again. Stop thinking about how much you want to have that tongue in your mouth and make out with him for hours. About how much I want him in my bed asleep. Not the way he has been, but naked cuddling up to me after the best sex I’ve ever had. The difficult part is that I want a relationship with him, and I can imagine it. There are moments where I think he wants it too, but then I remember that he’s not like me. He can’t ever see me in that way. I never stand a chance.  
“Done! Ok, you can move now.” He states. I get up from the floor and sit next to him on the couch. He’s hesitant to let me look. I’ve not seen any of his work yet. He’s majoring in art so he much be very good. As I reach over to grab his sketchbook, he moves it away slightly.  
“Come on, if you drew me I want to see if you’ve made me look as beautiful as I am in real life.” I smirk at him and he slowly hands me his book.  
It’s amazing! He’s even got all of my freckles in the right spot. He’s made me look so much more attractive and handsome that I can’t even comprehend. I look up at Jean and he’s frowning. Worried about what I think.  
“Jean, this is amazing! I can’t believe this is even a drawing.”  
He smiles slightly and lowers his gaze. He reaches out for his book and accidently grazes my hand. He brings his eyes back up to meet mine, and I only then realize how close we are. I can feel his breath on my skin. He’s still looking at me as if he’s expecting something, I just don’t know what. We both lean a bit closer, our noses now touching. I let my eyes close by themselves and I feel Jean tilting his head slightly. He’s so unbelievably close now. I could kiss him. He’s only about a centimetre away from my lips. I could do it. His hand still resting on his sketchbook moves. I feel his hand over mine and I try to move with his. I place my hand over his wrist and my thumb nudges under the edge of his sleeve. I feel him jerk a bit and slowly move his hand away. We’re still nose to nose and it feels like we’ve been like this for an eternity. He’s now tilting his head as if he’s going to kiss me. Just as he moves his head closer, his phone is ringing. He jumps and moves away to answer his phone.

“Hi Connie.” I hear him as he’s walking towards his bedroom door. As quick as he got up to answer his phone, he was gone. I could barely hear him talk to Connie is his room. I could hear him making unamused noises at his phone.  
I sat back on the red couch, still in shock form what had just happened. Did he almost kiss me, or was that just my imagination. Maybe it was just me moving uncomfortably close to him, and he was too weirded out to say anything.

He’s straight Marco. He told you the day he met you. It’s not going to happen. As much as you want it too, it’s not. You can try looking for signs that will give you hope, but it’ll just end up hurting you. I try to compose myself when Jean walks out of his room, shoving his phone into his front pocket.

“What did he want?” I ask trying not to make it awkward between us.  
“Oh he just asked if I needed something from the shop. He got out of class earlier than expected and he’s stocking up on food.”  
And that’s how it continues. That seems to be a thing with us. We say something or do something, and then act as if it never happened.  
Needless to say that I cried myself to sleep that night, thinking of what could’ve been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually cried writing this because some of the things I write about are true things that have happened to me, and it's really hard to put it on them :(  
> We're getting quite close to them getting together!!!  
> I'm considering doing Jean's POV. Maybe as a separate fic or just a chapter. Let me know what you think!!!  
> :)


	4. Broken, but repairable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Marco bonds a bit with Ymir, and he tries to fix the damage that's been done to Jean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINALLY manages to update again. Sorry, that it took 2 months. I have a lot going on right now, with my Art deadline next week and trying to get my finals done in time.

It’s already December and it’s definitely gotten colder. I had to wack out my big fuzzy coat the other day. Jean gave me a judging look when I turned up at his with it. Jean has been worrying me lately though. Sometimes I feel like we’re making progress and he’s opening up, but I can see a shift happen where he’ll put up his walls again. It feels like we’re just going round in circles. He barely lets me in his apartment now, and he even keeps his distance when we hang out too. I still haven’t worked out what happened that day. It’s been just over a week and a half and I’m still so confused. I don’t know if I leaned forward too much or he did it too. I’m definitely over thinking things.

At breakfast Armin said he’ll be going back home with Eren and Mikasa over break and they’ll be coming back a bit later. They only have to drive for an hour to get home. I have to drive three, so I just opt for the train.

 

After class I go over to Jean’s again, like I usually would. He opens the door, and looks at me with a baffled expression on his face. He looks terrible. He’s wearing sweats and the dark circles under his eyes are a little worrying.

“Sorry dude, I was taking a nap. I was doing some Art work earlier and I needed a break.” He exclaims as I walk past him and set my stuff down on the table. Jean walks past me and sits on the couch. He continues with his Art work as I start my Literature essay.

 

We sit in silence for about an hour, and it’s already getting dark. Jean finished his sketch fifteen minutes ago and is lying on the couch looking at me. I put my pen down at look back at him.

 

“What are your plans for the Holidays?” I ask.

“Nothing special really. Go back home, I guess. See my MèreandmySchwester. I’ll probably try and avoid my Papa as much as possible.You?”

“Yeah, I’m going home too. I’m really looking forward to seeing my sisters again. I’m not going home till the 20th though. I’ve got a lot to do before I leave. When are you leaving?”

“I’m not sure yet. I’m leaving it as late as I possibly can. Maybe the 21st unless my Mère makes me come earlier; Which she probably will.” He chuckles to himself.

“Usually Papa has these dumb parties, where he invites everyone from work over, and he tries to set me up with their daughters. I don’t know how I can tell him that I’ll never be interested....” He wonders off, and his voice gets quieter.

 

“Why? Are they not your type? Are they really snobby?”

“I want to tell you Marco, but I don’t think I can.”He sits up from his lying position and looks down at this hands as he twiddles his fingers.

“Why? Don’t you trust me?” I’m starting to get upset. I thought our friendship meant more to him. I thought he trusted me. I trusted him with things I’ve never told anyone else about.

“What’s scaring you so much that you can’t even tell your best friend about?”

 

“You don’t understand my family. I’ve grown up thinking it was a bad thing, and he will have more reason to hate me..... I trust you Marco I really do; more than anyone else in the world, but I need time. I need to be able to get my head around that there’s someone I can tell, before I tell you.” He’s crying so bad that I pretty much leap off the floor to his side and wrap my arms around him. This isn’t the first time I’ve had to hold him as he cried. It’s happened often enough that he’s not even embarrassed anymore.

When he calms down a bit I lean him back slightly and hold his face gently, as i place my forehead on his.

“You know, I’m always here for you. I know you’re fucked up, hell we both are, but it doesn’t mean you have to hold it in. You know I won’t tell anyone, I just want you to be happy. Genuinely happy.For more than just a few hours at a time. When I see how hurt you are, it hurts me too. It hurts so bad.” My words are making me cry too and we sit there in each other’s embrace crying.

“Soon. I’ll tell you soon” Jean promises.

\----

Tuesday is like every other. But when Jean walks in and sits next to me, there’s something new.

“Hey, Ymir asked me to tell you that she wants to speak to you.”

“Where did that come from?” I ask, confused.

“Honestly I have no idea. She refused to tell me. So I’m just the messenger. She asked if you could pop round after class.”

“I guess. I didn’t do anything to upset her did I?”

“If you did it be new to me too-“ Jean was cut off by our professor walking in and staring class.

\---

Ymir’s place isn’t that far from campus so I just walk there instead of heading back home to get my car. I already said bye to Jean, at the end of class.

I knock the door at least twice before Christa opens the door.

“Hi Marco, Ymir is just getting changed. She’ll be down soon, so just take a seat in the living room.”

I sit on the couch as Christa walks towards the stairs and shouts up at Ymir.

“YMIR, I’M GOING TO GO SHOPPING NOW! LOVE YOU!”  I think I heard Ymir replay but I’m not sure.

Christa says bye to me and she’s gone. It only takes a minute for Ymir to make her way downstairs and sit opposite me, on their other couch.

“Sup my freckled companion?” She asks with a wide smile.

“I’m fine. Why are you so happy?”

“Got laid. What else.” Ymir explains and winks at me. Everyone in this group is waaaay to open about their sex life.

“Anyway, why’d you call me here?” I try to change the topic.

“Well, it’s kind of about Jean. I think you know what this is about.”

“Do I?” I’m really confused at this point.

“Well, I know this is kind of a touchy subject, but did you know that Jean tells me about you a lot?”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Well when you hang out and get really close... do you understand what I’m getting at?” Ymir leans forward.

“I think so?” My hands start shaking. I don’t want anyone to know how I feel about my best friend.

“Marco, I know you like Jean. It’s okay. It’s obvious how you feel. I think Armin commented on it the other day too. It’s no big deal.”

“It is though! It’s shit to have a crush on your best friend, or even worse, your STRAIGHT best friend!”

“Look, I asked you here because I’m worried about him, about both of you. Is he okay?”

I don’t know whether I should mention what happened yesterday. What would I even say? _Jean wants to tell me something but can’t because his father has emotionally scared him. But all I’m really hoping for is an opportunity to get in his pants._ I’m sure she would appreciate that.

“Well, he’s been a little down. I’ve been getting him to talk about it though, which seems to help him a bit. I don’t think he’s ever been given the opportunity to talk about it before.” I rub the back of ny neck nervously.

“Yeah, that doesn’t really surprise me. Before we lost contact, he was really bad. He would use sex to boost his confidence, even though it never lasted long. I know that his Father is really tough on him. I remember when we were eleven; he said he had to grow up to be this tough man, who’s got a selection of ladies waiting for him at the snap of his fingers. It’s so fucked up that he had to worry about it at such a young age.”

“He said yesterday that his Dad tries to set him up with the daughters of his colleagues. He really wants him to stop.”

“That one is new. Honestly, I think he’s hiding something about his sexuality. I mean he could be ace for all we know.”

“He told me he was straight though.”

“Yeah but he could be so far in the closet he doesn’t even know it. Trust me, I’ve known this kid my whole life; he’s oblivious to himself.”

Ymir rambled on for quite a while. She mentions what Jean used to be like as a kid. She told me about the time she tried to make him kiss this girl when they were 10, and he cried and ran away. I couldn’t help but laugh at how adorable he was.

“I had to chase him down the street! Marco it was so funny, you should have seen it. At one point he ran past his Mom walking Home, and I had to explain why her little boy was running like he was trying to run at the Olympics!” Ymir wipes the tears of laughter away and tries to calm down.

“How is he with his Mother?” I ask.

“His Mother is lovely. I’m pretty sure she’s the only stable thing Jean has, seeing as his sister lives in Germany. When he was little she would always cradle him too much and he would get all embarrassed, so I’d tease him. He was a chubby kid too. She fed him waaaaay to many pies.”

“Awww really? Was he cute?” I ask.

“Define cute. I mean for Jean, he was pretty cute. Wait don’t tell him I said that!” Ymir yells.

“I won’t, I promise.” I laugh.

 

I don’t leave till about 8. I say my goodbyes to Ymir, Krista and Bert and Reiner who came back around 6. It’s a lot colder now and it’s only the 2nd. I know it’ll take me at least fifteen minutes to walk home so I decide to pop in on Jean. I knock on their door and Connie answers almost straight away.

“Hey Marco, I was just popping out.” Connie greets.

“Oh, is Jean in?” I ask.

“Yeah he’s in his room. Just go in, I’ll see you later.” Connie lets me in and waves his leys at me as he shuts the door.

It’s quiet in their apartment. If I didn’t know Jean was here, I would’ve thought the apartment was empty. I walk over to his room, and stop before I enter. I can hear him. He’s very quiet, but I can hear his cries. I take a deep breath before I enter his room.

 

Nothing could have prepared me for what I see Jean doing.

He looks up at me in horror and stops what he’s doing. He drops the blade he’s holding and covers the blood on his wrists with bandages.

 

“MARCO WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!”

“Jean....” My words trail off. I’m so quiet, from trying to wrap my head around this.

“Jean, what are you doing?” My eyes were starting to tear up.

Come to think of it, this is the first time I’ve seen with without long sleeves. I guess this is why. His back is turned to me as he wraps the bandages around his wrists. He doesn’t say anything.

 

“Why did you come here?”

“I was just with Ymir. I didn’t really fancy going home straight away.” I say awkwardly.

Surprisingly enough I’ve only just realized he’s not wearing a shirt.

“I understand if you want to go. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me again.” He mumbles.

“I’m not going anywhere,” I sit down on his bed and face him. He’s turned around and is picking at his fingers. “I’m staying with you. I’, going to order us a Pizza and we’re going to talk. If you think I’m leaving you alone tonight, you’ve got another thing coming.”

“Marco you don’t have to do this.”

“I know I don’t. But you need to realize that there are people out there that care about you and never want you to go through what you’re going through now.”

I get up from his bead and walk over to him, hold his face in my hands and rub soothing circles on his cheeks.

“I’m going to order the pizza, unless you have any objections.”

He shakes his head ever so slightly and I kiss the top of his head and head into the hall. I close the door behind me and I have to lead against it. Knowing the person you care about most in the world is in so much pain, that they inflict it on themselves is heartbreaking. I somehow manage to not cry, and go to order the pizza.

 

When the Pizza arrives we curl up in Jean’s bed and put on a Disney movie. He needs something happy right now and I figure Disney is the way to go. When we finish the movie and the Pizza, we just sit there under the covers.

 

“I don’t know if you want to talk about this, but I’m here for you.” I tell him

 

“I don’t even know where to start. I just....” Jean’s voice is barely audible and he curls into my side.

 

“I mean, why do you do it in the first place?” I start to stroke his hair as a form of comfort.

 

“It’s not like I just started doing this Marco. When I was fifteen, things started to be harder to cope with. It was just my way of coping. I guess old habits die hard.” Pretends to chuckle.

 

“Jean, if you’re ill why did you never tell anyone?”

 

“Like who? My father? The man who makes me feel like I’m the failure of the Family? I could never do that.”

 

“What about your Mother? She would help you.”

 

“I don’t want to worry her. I don’t want her to know that it’s the man she loves that’s causing this. I’d rather protect her.”

 

“Well, whether you like it or not, I’m getting you help. I’m staying here tonight and making you an appointment at the doctors tomorrow. If I have to, I’ll even go with you.”

Jean is silent. He pulls the comforter up higher and entangles us in it.

“You don’t have to come with me.” Jean sighs.

“Are you sure? I will if it helps.”

“I’d rather do this alone, I have for three years.”

He turns over and goes to sleep, and I follow shortly.

\-----

When I wake up, Jean is already in the Living room area with Connie drinking coffee.

“Morning Marco! I didn’t expect you to be here this morning.” He winks at me and I roll my eyes. As much as I’d like that to have happened, I have more important things to worry about, like get Jean to a doctor and on some anti-depressants or therapy. Connie is sat on their sofa and Jean got out their little bean bag chair. Connie points to the Coffee on the little table that I assume is for me. I grab the paper cup and take a sip as Jean and Connie go back into their conversation.

“Christa wants to have a little get together before we go home. She mentioned that you two won’t be going till like the 20th or something?”

“Yeah I’m going home later because I don’t really want to get stuck with my family for too long.” Jean sighs.

“I’ve got classes till the 17th so I can’t leave earlier. Plus I’ve got some stuff I want to sort out before hand.”

“Christa said she wants to do it on the 18th so this could work out well. Her and Ymir only live in the next town over so they can stay longer. I’m going on the 19th and so is Sasha.”

Connie finishes and gets his phone out to let Christa know that we can come. Only two more weeks and then I’m free. I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to snow in Trost soon as well, so that’ll make driving home more difficult. I then excuse myself to go to the bathroom and call up the doctor. I know he doesn’t have any classes today, so I make him an appointment for late afternoon.

 

When I leave it’s already 1 in the afternoon. Jean insists I go home and to some studying because of finals, so I do. I only have three left to do so it’s not that bad. My last one is English Literature on the 17th and I only have that, Psychology and Social care left.

I study for a few hours until I get a text from Jean.

 

From: Jean

_hey I’m on anti-depressants now and I’m supposed to see a therapist every other week . I thought you’d want to know_

To: Jean

_That’s good news. We’ll get you better quickly :)_

To: Jean

_You know I’m always here if you need me_

It takes a while for Jean to respond, but when he did it was just a simple ‘yeah’. I know he doesn’t like putting it on other people but he at least knows there’s someone there to listen or just be there.

\-----

I barely see Jean over the next week and a half. I spend a lot of time with Armin, studying for our finals for Psychology. I also have a study session with Christa for English Literature. I only see him during our classes. He does text me when he goes to therapy for the first time. I said it felt strangely good. I also went to get him and the others Christmas present. I got most of them just little things. I got Ymir, Sasha and Christa a couple of bath bombs from lush, Reiner a cool t-shirt, Bertl a copy of pitch perfect (because I hear he’s also a fan of this cheesy stuff) and Connie a comic. I really wanted to spend a bit more on Jean. Y’know make him feel a bit more special, and because he’s my best frined. It wasn’t easy finding something for him. Nothing felt like it was something I should get him. I ended up getting him a maroon sweater (which was a little bit out of my price range).

 

At least I only have one more to go until I don’t have to worry about studying anymore. Literature is tomorrow and I’m feeling pretty confident. I go to bed earlier because I really need the rest, because I feel like I haven’t slept in days.

\-----

My exam goes down without a hitch and I finish with time to spare. When I leave I head back to my dorm and take a shower. These past few days have been so stressful I’ve not really had time to shower, or go out for that matter. The hot water has never felt so good against my tense body. I take my time and I end up spending an hour in there. I quickly dry off so I can put some clothes on. I opt for some navy skinny jeans and a deep red shirt. I then go to dry and style my hair and throw on a black beanie. Armin already went ‘home’ so I make my way there.

 

Ten minutes later I ring their doorbell and a bubbly Christa opens it, inviting me inside. Everyone is sat on the sofas idly chatting. I don’t see Jean though.

“He’s in the kitchen, getting a drink.” Christa smiles at me. I smile back at her shyly, because she knew exactly what I was thinking. I hang my coat up and put the bag down as I walk into the kitchen. I see Jean by the kettle and walk up to him as he turns around.

“Hi” I smile

“Yeah, ugh hi” Jean seems more nervous than usual for some reason.

“How’ve you been? Feeling any better?”

“Yeah, a little bit. It’s not much but I’ve not got to the point where Ineedtocutrecently.” Jean turns around and pours the water into his mug.

“You want a hot chocolate?” He asks.

“Why not.”

He gets out another mug and makes me one too. He makes sure to put extra marshmallows on it. We walk back into the lounge and share the little bean bag chair that they got out.

 

We start to talk about our families and what we’re going to do over vacation and what we’ve got everyone. Ymir cracks a few jokes at Reiner, saying that he’ll end up getting Bertl sex coupons again or something really kinky. Reiner just smirks at Ymir as if to say she’s spot on, and Bertl flushes a luminous red. We play a round or so of _Card against Humanity_ before we get too distracted to play anymore. I remember my abandoned bag by the door and start handing out my gifts.

“Marco you didn’t have to get us presents” Christa smiles as I hand the last gift to Jean.

“I know, but I really wanted to” I smile back.

I watch as everyone unwraps their gift smiling. They all seem so happy. When Ymir sees what she’s received, she leans over to Christa, whispering something in her ear that earns her a smack. I look over at Jean where he’s just seen the sweater. He just looks up at me with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen him have and mouth a ‘Thank you’. I swear to god my heart skipped quite a few beats at that.

 

“I feel really bad for not getting you anything, now.” Jean says.

“You don’t have to. I just want you to get better.”I whisper that last part to him. I know that he doesn’t want anyone to find out about what he’s going through.

Jean leans over to give me a hug. It was kind, caring yet he seems unsure of it. I don’t know why. Maybe he’s never given a friend a hug like this before. I wrap my arms around him to reassure him, to let him know everything is ok.

“Ahem” We move away again and see everyone awkwardly staring at us. Ymir is specifically staring at me with her eyebrows raised.

“Anyway, since it’s the last time we’re all together this year, I propose we play truth or dare.”

Reiner, Connie and Sasha almost jump from joy at the idea. Ymir takes this as a collective yes and scans the room for her pray, as her finger follows her eyes.

“CONNIE! Truth or Dare?”

“Obviously dare.” Connie replies without hesitation. Ymir stands up and considers her options. When she thinks of something, she smirks and points at Connie.

“I dare you to give Sasha a lap dance.” The entire room burst into laughter as soon as Connie gets up and stands in front of Sash swaying his hips. He looks like he’s trying to do some sort of belly dancing. Sasha is already in hysterics, but when Connie turns around and slut drops, she bursts into tears. In-between breaths and laughter Sasha asks him to stop before she dies from laughter. Connie gets up, winks at her and sits back down again.

Next Connie dared Reiner to demonstrate his oral magic on a banana. Christa chickens out and picks truth, and Reiner asks her what she’s good at, and winks at her. Then it’s Christa’s turn to pick someone. She almost immediately looks at me, and smiles a smile you can’t be mad at. Since I know it’s Christa, it can’t be bad so I pick dare. She thinks about it for a minute before deciding.

“I dare you to lick Jean’s face.”

“Babe that’s boring! At least make it a bit more interesting.” Ymir butts in.

“Fine. You have to lick from the collar of his shirt to his hairline.” Christa sighs.

I look over at Jean, and he doesn’t really look that pissed off. He just looks at me, without saying a word. We make awkward eye contact for a minute before I take a heavy breath and reach my hand out towards his chin. I tilt his head to the side and up a bit and lick slowly up his neck and face till I reach the end. I realize it probably seemed a lot more intimate, by doing it slower. I pull back and look him in the eyes; still holding onto his chin. I gently let go and bring my sleeve up to wipe his face for him. All the laughter seems to have died down and it’s become a little bit awkward. I don’t break eye contact, but we both break into laughter. Everyone starts acting normal again, saying how weird that was.

 

After a few round we settle down again and calmly chat. I take the last sip of my drink and get up.

“I’m going to make another drink. Anyone else want one?” Everyone shakes their head, and I walk towards the kitchen. I fill up the kettle and put it on. I then hear Jean come in and I turn around. He closes the kitchen door, to block out all the laughter.

“That really ticked you know.” He stares at me with a light flush on his cheeks.

“Sorry. You seemed really relaxed though.” I chuckle back at him.

“Only because you were so gentle.” He jokes at me and pokes my ribs.

“Don’t!” I squirm.

“Are you ticklish there?” He smirks; finding my weakness.

He then commences to tickle me for what seems like a life time. I can feel my face heating up; which could be from the laughter or from Jean touching me. When did he get so close?

He stops tickling me and holds me by the wrists to stop my squirming. We seem to calm down very quickly. He ever so slowly edges forward and presses his forehead against mine.

“You’re really warm.” He smiles.

“Whose fault is that?” I reply, with the same smile.

He chuckles to himself. I notice he’s started rubbing his thumbs up and down my wrists.

He ever so slightly leans forward and presses his lips against mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's probably going to be a while again until I update. As soon as I finish these Art and Photography projects I've got my last art and photography projects EVER! And I'm going to Barcelona next month so that'l take up some time too. I've got a pact schedule till June so we'll see. I'm thinking of maybe doing around ten chapters. I have other ideas I want to do as well and I don't want to drag this out too much.  
> I would always love to know what you all think and constructive criticism is always appreciated.  
> You can also find me on Twitter and Tumblr:  
> Queen Weeb @Unicorn_Pants  
> sparklingunicornpants.tumblr.com
> 
> (fyi I use Twitter everyday so it's best following me there)

**Author's Note:**

> Not going to lie, I'm really excited to be writing this!!! I've not written anything for fun in a few years so I might be a bit rusty. Constructive criticism is appreciated!!!!


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